Another Castle

on November 9, 2011 in Fantasy

I think that at heart you are a plain and simple man. You were an honest tradesman once, doing humble but important work.

So I shall speak to you simply and plainly and honestly and humbly, not as the princess you see floating high above you, not as some imperiled damsel who needs rescuing, but simply as one person to another.

This has to stop.

It is true that I did not choose my bridegroom. He was chosen for me. But I am a princess, and I have a duty to my family and my people. It may seem backwards or even barbaric to you, but a marriage is not a kidnapping. We all have our jobs to do. Yours sometimes sends you crawling through a sewer pipe. Mine sends me to the marriage bed. Is my lot truly so tragic in comparison to yours or anyone else’s that you must persist in trying to “rescue” me from it?

You are not just a commoner, you are a stranger in our lands. I could not marry you even if I had my choice of suitors, and I do not. Would I have chosen the man you’ve chosen for your enemy if I’d had a choice? Possibly not. It is very likely I wouldn’t have even considered him, or known him, if our families hadn’t pledged us to each other.

And maybe that would have been the real tragedy. Do I love him? That is no business of yours, but it would be too soon to answer the question. We have not yet had time to love each other. Love could blossom yet, if only we had a moment’s peace. Your peculiar fixation has led us to flee from one of his family’s properties to another, seven times now, in order that a little distance might impart in you a little wisdom.

Do you appreciate how much mercy you’ve been shown? How much restraint my betrothed has exercised in dealing with you? There have been so many times you might have been killed… so many times you probably should have been killed… and yet each time, you simply start again.

I fear this show of mercy has only encouraged your delusions, which aren’t even flattering. I know your peculiar fixation on saving a woman did not start with me. I have heard about your last construction job. I know why you were let go. A circus animal may seem to be quite clever, but it is not capable of plotting to steal your lover away from you, if indeed the woman in question had ever been yours.

I say again: this has to stop. There comes a time when pity for a poor confused man must give way to practicality. We have shown you great mercy, but you show little when dealing with our people… our people, mine and his, and I mean that. Many of the people you’ve stepped on to get to him have been my own kin, ethnically… and all his subjects are now my subjects, too.

Our kingdoms are one. We are one. You cannot declare war against him without making war with me.

And that is what it has come to, when you try to tear our kingdoms apart brick by brick, when you stomp all over creation hopped up on something that’s left you feeling two stories tall and full of fire… it’s war, and now word reaches me that you’ve dragged your own brother into it.

Well, no matter how many men you gather to aid in your hopeless cause, no matter how many coins you collect or how many of my family’s servants you win over, your time is running out..

Choose to continue now if you must, but you shall have no quarter and soon your game will be over.

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9 Responses to “Another Castle”

  1. Nemo says:

    Thank you, that was a wonderfully terrible pun.

  2. zeel says:


    Mario. . .

    Very clever.

    “you must persist in trying to “rescue” me from it?”

    Is where I figured it out.

  3. heeeeeeeee says:

    I had it at “You were an honest tradesman once” the title was a huge set up

  4. Brenda says:

    I’m glad someone else mentioned the name… I used to watch my cousins play SuperMario all the time but I never played it myself.

  5. Burnsidhe says:

    “But soon you will have no quarter…”

    Auugh! That was terrible! 😀

  6. anon y mouse says:

    I don’t want to be all spam-boty on you, but this reminds me of a song that you can listen to here. It was going through my head as soon as I read the title.

  7. Now there’s a campaign I want to read about- Mario raising an army of rebels and outlanders to march on the Mushroom Kingdom, Luigi reluctantly serving as his lieutenant. Training their elite assassins (although I guess they’d be mushroomins? starmanins?) to infiltrate each castle and remove the hereditary nobles, smashing and pillaging and leaving rubble and corpses in their wake.

  8. If you could get Mark Smylie to illustrate it, even better.

  9. mk presson says:

    A well written letter, though it took me a moment to figure out who it was about. Genius. :)

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